Remember when...

...the warnings on ciggy packets were discreetly hidden on the side out of harms way.









I know I'm killing myself and I don't need a half packet spread reminding me of the fact.

LATE NIGHT POKER

Before you had all the razzmatazz that now follows the many Poker tournaments that bleed from our screens on a multitudes of channels on late night telly, you only had the original and still the best 'Late Night Poker' on channel four for all us night owls out there. These days I flick from one channel to the other on my late night surfs, not paying much attention when a poker tournament comes into view. But back in the day you could bet your bottom dollar if I bumped into a 'Late Night Poker' foray on channel four I was with it till the end.

This is were I got my education off the likes of Barney Boatman, Ross Boatman (their kid who used to be in London's Burning) and Joe 'The Elegance' Beevers , that collective went by the monicker of the Hendon Mob. Others were; Simon 'Aces' Trumper - with his ever changing hairstyles, 'Mad' Marty Wilson- with his laugh, Surinder Sunar- with his twitch, Korosh Nejad - the nasty Iranian and Jak Arama - who gave it his own brand of 'razzmatazz' with his collection of colourful wigs/ zany glasses/ weird hats. These chaps had played together for years in dark smoky rooms playing for bundles of cash around the poker circuit. They then got their chance to perform infront of the cameras. One niggle I did have with it, was the way they turned the volume down when they players were having some banter across the table. Jesse May the commentator did his best to tell you what would be going on between the players but you wanted to be in on the joke making its way across the table usually at Korosh's expense.

The use of hidden cameras showing peoples 'hole cards' was their invention, one which the Yanks have copied and run with - like only the Yanks can - in their big money earner the WSOP. Displayed on the screen these days is everything from how much a player has in his stack, to what % he has of wining a hand pre-flop, after the flop, on the turn and finally on the river. LNP would tantalise you with only revealing selected cards and in the later series (5 I think) - when Barney Boatman jumped on the commentary team - did it play out like a drama at times. Barney would be telling you what people were holding just from their movements and bet sizes, he was immense and very rarely wrong. At times I would find myself shouting for joy on the merits of Dave 'The Devilfish' Ulliot (a pawn shop owner from Hull) as he went all in on a 3, 4 unsuited, the blonde would just huff and puff then roll over and try to get some shut-eye.

I knew nothing about the game before and I learnt everything about the game from watching the programme. By watching the first series I got the general gist of the game by the 3rd and 4th I was hooked and I was at the stage were I could tell you that if Liam 'The Gentleman' Flood was holding a 10,J unsuited & the flop was showing 2D,8C,9S,4H he was on an up & down straight draw and there was 8 'out cards giving him about a 17% chance of hitting an'out'card. While your busy working out them odds though, there is also other things to take on board and study; the pot odds, the bet odds, your own stack, the pot , your opponents reactions, the size of your opponents bets, the size of his stack, when did he bet? (Did he check - bet? or did he bet pre-flop?) then weigh it all and make a bet that justify' such odds. Of course there is loads of other things to take into account, but I'm a mere novice compared to some of the poker sharks out there.

While holiday-ing one time up in Perthshire I stumbled upon a Texas Hold'em set (cards, green table cloth, poker chips) in the most strangest of places, it was in one of those very quaint Scottish shops selling tweed jackets, cashmere jumpers and walking sticks. I introduced the set to a few friends one time, trying to get a game off the ground but this is were I learnt rule number one never ever play with friends for money. They were new to the game and sometimes the rules got diverted a few times by he who shouts loudest. "Did I fuck say I was folding" after seeing his appointments cards and realising his own cards were good enough to win and other such stunts. Even when they got the basic idea of the game you would still get some plant-pot who would go all-in every fucking bet!

I play on-line sometimes but I'm not a big fan. How can you play with people when you can't see them, you can't talk to them face to face and the only thing you know about them is that they go by the daft monickers of ♥♥~LoNelyHearT~♥♥ or diamond_geezer. I've been to a few casinos to have a game and I have enjoyed my single malt swigging time at the tables but what I dislike about casinos is after spending a few hours winning some money I'm still quite susceptible to throwing it all on red as I pass the roulette table on the way to cash in.

They done a Late Night Poker Masters a couple of years ago bringing back some of the old faces but it just wasn't the same. I get my TV poker fix these days from the one on Channel5 (The Poker Den: The Big Game II). This one has a slightly different format, this isn't your usual tournament poker that you see, this is a 24hr long no-limit cash game (edited down to a few 1 hour shows) with the players using there own money. I love watching them go on tilt as they go and collect another 20 grand off "Mad' Marty the banker sat off at his desk where he keeps an eye on proceedings. Sometimes his refereeing skills are pushed to the edge as the shysters in the mob try every trick in the book (I know how difficult this can be when trying to 'referee' some of my own games). This is a more informal game and the volume of the players is left on high and its a real pleasure to catch the pure patter going on around the table.

Get on it Channe5 after midnightish on a Wednesday.

http://www.five.tv/poker/default.htm (click on 'the show', then click on 'the tournament')


Music playing whilst I wrote this blog;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XESEt5A12Zo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNnrTNFWcsg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gD0V-MC1GUo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApqPUjOhPvc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqELgVWeVGM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_q3LvjD-eZ8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIHP9o6X6D8

The Arcade Bunkin' Coalition

The Arcade Bunkin' Coalition

Most of us have been a member of the ABC at one time or another and the ones that haven't probably won't be the kind to be reading this type of journal anyway........so fuck'em on the horse that Mummy & Daddy bought them to ride in on. I'm on about spending afternoons aimlessly trying to direct a hatchet throwing caveman on a skateboard through some weird world, always trying hard to obtain the next level. When you should've been in a double lesson of Tech Drawing, trying hard to unhook Sue Smiths bra-strap off her shoulder with a T-Square......Sorry! I meant to type, trying hard to obtain a decent CSE level. Me I was pretty shit at them arcade games -and unhooking bra straps as it goes- but it still didn't stop me from spending every afternoon in an arcade bunkin' off school.

The place I frequented wasn't so much an arcade, more of a back room to a video shop crammed full of about six machines. Before the shop opened the back room up, we used to congregate around an Asteroids machine stationed in the doorway of the Kwik Save across the road. The video shop was squeezed between a Sports Shop and a pub - it's now a Bargain Booze squashed between a Pet Shop and a two for the price of one eating establishment.

Of an afternoon you would get about 15-20 of us all from the same year squashed into the minute foggy dark room at the back of the shop, all sucking on Embassy Filters trying to blow smoke rings, in between pressing the jump button for your mate who was after a record in the 110metre hurdles on Track'n'Field. If some of the girls turned up there would be a good 30+ and the throng would spill out the back fire exit, were there would be a swallee of spit swapping going on along the back wall.

We were the hoodies of our time and of course mischief did occur on occasions. Me & another kid noticed that when the woman from behind the counter went for a piss, she left amble time for us to sneak up and rifle the till (we done it for about a week only taking about a tenner each time - why go for the big one and bring it on top? When you can juice it everyday with out detection - plus there was only every 60 odd quid in it to begin with). It did come on top in there one afternoon when some big dickhead jemmied all the machines open then got off with an amble amount of coins and everyone played on free credits for the rest of the day. It closed the next day and never re-opened it's arcade bit at the back again.

With the closure of our safe bunkin' haven, it meant our afternoon jaunts were a bus ride away in the centre of town and what we found there was your standard game machines like Donkey Kong, Millipede , Battlefield,Galaxian , Ghosts & Gobblins, Scramble, Starforce,Pac-Man, Alpine Ski And that Star Wars one were you had to destroy the Death Star in Associated Leisure. But if you ventured to the rougher Pighill, they had machines of the fruit variety that paid out money (sometimes) as well as taking it. I was hooked immediately and have only recently just over come my addiction with those Devil machines with flashing lights and whoop whoopin' voices (I can now enter a bar without playing a' fruity'...praise the Lord!). With a load more shops in proximity it also meant a lot more shoplifting sprees were just a grab and stuff in the coat/pants away. Boot's was our favourite as we hovered around the smelly section trying to heist box-sets of mandate aftershave & deodorant.

The addiction to arcades cooled down after leaving school and I kissed them good bye for good, when I started drinking in pubs. The one thing I couldn't kiss goodbye too was my addiction with shoplifting. Although, I think I have suppressed it to a more minimal effort, now that I've reached middle age. My shoplifting jaunts these days only consist of: the odd Mars Bar from the garage when paying for petrol and a few crates of lager left under the shopping trolley when passing through the check-out and the Spiderman toys from the Department Store for the bin-lid and the papers & a Red Bull every Sunday from the Spar and the Midi Keyboard from PC World and endless amounts of aftershave/perfume/nice bottles of red/ciggies when ever I pass through a duty free....yep I think I've got this addiction well and truely sussed.

The Perfect Weight loss Plan

Right now is the time of year when every man, woman and Wag cashes in on some new fangel diet and keep fit plan, for all you people out there that have eaten to much gullible pie. So i thought i would give it a go and I think I have come up with the perfect solution to get rid of that spare tyre.....and get this, it's free.......so here it is....


Eat healthy and exercise. You fat twats.

Last Night I Ate My Tea In The Style Of Tony O'Neill

Nose bag Tony style

I could go early doors and tackle the chilli in its own backyard-on the cooker simmering in the pot-but that was to easy and bang on top as the kitchen was crawling with dibble( the Mrs and baby actually-but lets not ruin a good story with facts-it's the Tony way).

It would have to be a snide ambush attack, so without thinking I jumped behind the couch and waited till I could smell the chilli, It wasn't long before I could hear the footsteps of the plod(Mrs) escorting the chilli into the living room, I would have to be quick, there would only be a small window of opportunity for me to get at the chilli(when the Mrs goes for the salt and pepper) So once the aroma of the Mexican dish entered my nasal passages and the dibble had retreated into the kitchen I was off. It was like showing a red rag to a bull, nothing could stop me. I was up and over the couch and in amongst the 'carne' within a millisecond, there must of been two, two fifty... yeah ... about three hundred little fluffs of rice all looking dead hard on the plate giving it the come-on but they were all basmati and no bite and what followed was total con-carne carnage. The chilli was going down spoon full after spoon full, it didn't take long for the boiled rice to join in but the rice was quickly despatched with. Soon there was only a few stragglers of con carne and boiled rice left on the plate and I left them to live another day.I was full, I 'd had my fix for the day, I was off to celebrate.

The plod was quickly back on the scene though, asking fucking questions as per " you must of been hungry love...... ready for your dessert yet?...... It's your favourite..... Manchester tart and cream."